I woke this morning before 5am feeling angry. I am not the type of person that wakes up feeling anything at all. I am also not the type of person that feels emotions strongly, so waking up angry is extremely odd for me. I laid there for a bit , trying to put it out of my head and attempting to get more sleep and gave up after about an hour.
I understand that most people have a feeling and immediately know why they are feeling it. I do not. Its taken me over an hour and a half to figure out why I woke up angry. My Grumpy is in assignment and if you look at the past few weeks, its not going well. We went on this really great camping/kayaking trip and since we’ve gotten back, his assignment has been regularly flouted. Okay maybe flouted is a strong word here, but damnit , I am angry. While ‘life happens’ is a good reason to exempt him from T&D, its been happening a fuck ton lately. However, thats not why I am angry. I am not angry that he injured his ankle on our trip. I am not angry that he has been working a lot more lately. I am not angry that my plan to play all day with him last Sunday was thwarted. I am angry at me.
Three days in a row last week, he put on a collar. I didn’t lay it out for him, he chose to wear it. Along with being an emotional retard, I don’t take hints well either. Instead of recognizing that he was hinting that he didn’t need all of the coddling I was giving him due to his working 2 jobs and an injured ankle, my dumb ass asked him about it. He hasn’t put it on since.
Yesterday, he was off from both jobs. I work from home and while that gives me a lot of freedom, I can’t just walk away from my job. Circumstances occurred and I got off work early. Instead of taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom to tie him down and beat the hell out of him, I asked him if he wanted to do something. In my head, I was hoping he would suggested we play. He’d clearly been feeling ‘blah’ all day so I didn’t bring it up. Now I am thinking ” Hey dip shit! Maybe he was feeling ‘blah’ because your dumb ass won’t unwrap the fucking bubble wrap and step up”
I have loved many people in my life but I have never loved anyone like I do my Grumpy. I am not trying to get all mushy and shit here, but I think it has a lot to do with my desire to protect him, comfort him, and respect him. I believe the past few weeks, I have been so focused on his protection and comfort that I’ve failed to lead him. In my concern for his protection and comfort, I missed the signs from him that he neither needs or wants it. With his injury and working two jobs, I gave him a very long leash when he apparently didn’t want it.
He and I communicate on the big issues in such a way that a marriage councilor would use us as the perfect example. However, the small things… not so much. I have been sitting back, frustrated as hell waiting for him to be ready to get back to our life and he has been hinting at me that he is long since ready. If those hints were a snake, I’d long since be dead.